There was something deeply alienating about being a woman in the twilight of her twenties having this specific issue. I felt guilty for wanting sex more than my partner did, and embarrassed for wanting sex more than a man, and John did nothing to ease those insecurities.
In one of our darker spats, he accused me of using sex to self-validate. We live in a world where girls and women are taught to protect their sexuality, while boys and men learn to express it with abandon. John was really good at avoiding conflict. Our arguments if you can call them that were one-woman shows, and by that I mean me talking as he stared off into space or busied himself on his phone.
If we fought in bed, he would literally pretend to fall asleep — fake snoring included. I wanted too much. I was needy in the sex and talking departments. This did such a number on my self-esteem, I was too overwhelmed with self-doubt to leave. She was dating a man who she says was not as interested in sex as she was. But in my case, John had no problems with physical intimacy.
He was a committed cuddler. You could house a family of four under the tents John pitched when I cried or got upset. I explained all of this to my then-therapist, a spry woman in her 70s. Indeed, many professionals warn against trying to standardize the idea a normal sex life.
Putting any kind of arbitrary number of how many times per week or month, or year people in a relationship should be having sex is never a good idea, in my opinion. People tend to look for normalcy when we're feeling insecure about ourselves or want to justify our judgment of someone else.
I pleaded for him to communicate. People who identify as asexual may be romantically attracted to you, but they do not feel sexual attraction, even when they love you. This is also abuse. More often than not, ladies will notice a sudden drop in the amount of sex their cheating men want to have. Unlike many of the other reasons listed above, this one may be fixable if you're both willing to talk about it. Therefore, their sex life is non-existent.
Yes, once in a blue moon, this is the true cause. If he's even too busy for a date night, not just sex, then it could just be an excuse not to have sex or to avoid dealing with other issues in the relationship, especially if it becomes a regular and increasingly more frequent occurrence. Men with what Freud referred to as a Madonna-whore complex place all women in one of two categories: chaste respectable, but not sexually desirable and sluts not respectable, but sexually desirable.
This unhealthy, misogynistic attitude often comes with other problems as well, which is why it should be a dealbreaker for you.
If sex has a huge meaning and big importance in a relationship then one without that most likely won't last as that's defined as an important aspect in the relationship.
However, if sex isn't as important and both you and your partner don't actively want to have sex a lot then it might not mean much if you go a while not having sex. Stress can be a libido killer. If someone is extremely busy at work, or if they have a big issue playing out in their personal life that's causing a lot of stress, it can be hard to find the time, energy, or motivation for sex. It's possible your guy has a lot on his plate right now that's making it hard to concentrate on having fun and getting turned on.
In fact, he may prefer more low-key activities like watching movies, getting dinner, and having fun conversations because they help him relax in an otherwise stressful time. Depression is linked to lower libido , as are antidepressants.
If you're dating someone with depression , it's possible that their mental health may be affecting their interest in sex. There can sometimes be other root causes of a lowered libido tied to overall health, from heart disease to diabetes to hormonal imbalances. Maybe your guy really does want to have sex with you but is just a little nervous about it, whether because they're worried you'll reject them, because they're worried about how "good" they are in bed performance anxiety is a thing!
If you suspect your guy's nerves are getting the best of him, it can help to just signal to him that you're attracted to him and do want to have sex with him and that he doesn't have to worry about meeting some standard. Help him relax and have fun. If you and this guy have had sex in the past and your sexual relationship has suddenly changed, any of the above reasons could be why he suddenly doesn't want to sleep with you.
Alternatively, it's also possible that something else has changed in the relationship—maybe you have an ongoing fight or conflict that hasn't been resolved yet, or there's something he's upset or worried about that hasn't been addressed yet. At the end of the day, no one can tell you why this guy doesn't want to have sex with you other than he himself.
So just ask him about it! No matter what stage of a relationship you're in—whether you're in a committed relationship or you've just hung out a few times after meeting on an app—it's helpful to just be open and direct when it comes to sex. Even if things are casual between you or if you're still very early in the process of getting to know each other, you can still start a conversation about sex to get on the same page.
On your next date, bring up the topic of sex and ask him how he feels about having sex with new people. You can even go in a fun and flirty direction depending on how the conversation goes; just make sure to read his body language to gauge if that's where he's at.
If you're already in a committed, serious, or exclusive relationship of some sort with this person, find a good time to ask them how they feel about sex and how they see your shared sex life together.
Ask if there's any particular reason he hasn't been interested in sex, and see if there's anything you can do to address his concern. If a guy directly tells you he doesn't want to have sex with you, take no for an answer.
Never pressure someone into having sex when they don't want to have it. Likewise, if you try to initiate sex and he rebuffs you, let it go and give him space. If you're interested in dating this person or are in a relationship with him already, find a time to open up a conversation about sex in a nonsexual setting that feels relaxed, open, and nonthreatening. If neither of you has initiated sex yet on a date, don't be afraid to make the first move!
Your guy might be waiting for a clear signal that you're sexually interested, so go in on the flirting or start a heavy makeout session and see where things go. If he's not into it, refer to the above two tips and back off. Sometimes people just need time to warm up, get comfortable, or get to know a new partner better before they're ready to have sex.
Or if your guy has been dealing with stress or another issue that's been affecting his libido, give him the time and support he needs. You can express that sex is on your mind if you'd like so he knows where you're at while also giving him compassion and patience. It's important to be willing to let a relationship go if you two aren't aligned with what you want.
If he's not interested in you or if you have different sexual needs, you may need to accept that you two aren't compatible and be willing to walk away.
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